I have always been an optimist. A “glass half full, look on the bright side, nothing bad is going to happen”, kind of person. So when our son was diagnosed with Autism at his second birthday, it was good friends and the hope for better days that got me through it. You see, I was certain that God would heal him. In fact, I told myself that Jonah would be healed by his third birthday.
We have had quite a few birthdays since then.
We have also had a lot of therapies, supplements, diets, exercises and conferences. All that promised to make a difference in his diagnoses. None of those things are bad, but we had to quit chasing a cure.
Still, I hoped. I heard that things could get easier as he got older. I held on to this hope. But “Hope differed makes the heart sick.” (Proverbs 13:12) and my heart is aching.
We have had some hard days of late. As Jonah gets older we are seeing some unsettling behaviors increasing. He is also getting bigger…. and stronger! I recently got my first “Autism Bruise”. Not the figurative kind. The real life, black and blue, hurts like the dickens kind. During an overreaction to being scratched by the kitty, Jonah flailed and screamed until I got kicked in the leg trying to comfort him.
I can no longer put my hope in brighter days ahead. In fact, it is a painful reality that things may get worse before they get better.
And then, the Great Comforter comes softly and whispers to my soul,
“I am your only HOPE”.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5
You see, there never was any real hope outside of Him. And my hope in Him is not for what he can do for me, though I believe very much in His power to heal. My hope is that through Him, I can find strength for today.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. Psalm 33:22
It is His steadfast love that I need to walk in.
With that, what else could my soul need?
I know that there will still be days that my heart aches with the overwhelming task in front of me. I need to continually re-center my hope solely in Christ alone and the work he finished for me. I will need to ask for his grace as I fail to keep my eyes on the prize of His Glory alone.
But in this moment, I find my Hope is renewed and I have the strength for one more day. That is all we are promised…. And that promise is enough for my aching heart.Click on photo for purchasing options.